My Fellow Americans, I have the solution to our nation's economic woes...drink
My personal stimulus package, which I have titled the Beverage Economic Recovery Plan (here forth referred to as BERP), is more cogent than Treasury Secretary Paulson's proposed 700 Billion dollar Wall street bail out, and, if enacted, will be both effective, and fun. Kindly follow my, I mean BERP‘s, logic.
If every American of legal drinking age were to purchase and ingest one of bottle of wine, beer or booze the economic effect would benefit every faction of society. Money would go to the American farmer (growers of grapes, potatoes, corn, sugar cane and barley). Money would go to our nation's greatest scientists (wine makers, brew masters and distillers). Money would go to the
labelers, vats, kegs and corks, just to name a few) Money would go to the American Transportation System (The booze has to ship somehow). And money would go to the American independent businessperson (liquor store owners, bar owners, Donna).
And that is just the tip of the BERP iceberg. After the wine, beer or booze is ingested, the results continue to trickle down.
Since alcohol and food consumption go hand in hand, money would go to grocery store operators and restaurateurs. Since drunk people often hurt themselves the medical profession will thrive as well. Since irresponsible drunks tend to wreck their cars, The American auto makers may finally turn a profit. Drunk people who are caught driving while impaired get arrested and fined, ergo local tax relief. Hangovers require aspirin, hence the American pharmaceutical corporations will also get a piece of BERP's economic pie. But most importantly, and the true. key to BERP's long-term success, is that hungover people often have a hair of the dog that bit them, making BERP a cyclical solution rather than a one shot (no pun intended) deal.
So I ask you, for the benefit of our society and the future of our children and our children's children, To be a patriotic American, buy a bottle, get stimulated, and BERP.
Cheers!
Garvey Duggan
Paid for by the Garvey Duggan for President foundation
